The Tonight Show: Sweet Sistine Pope Betting, Guest Popes & Sequester

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The Tonight Show: Guest Popes & Dog Shoots Man

The Tonight Show had plenty to say about the pope resignation, including the Sweet Sistine pope betting ring and the prospect of guest popes. Plus, Steve Carell was one of Jay Leno’s guests.

Tonight Show: Pope Resignation

The pope’s historic resignation came on February 28. Jay Leno said that it must be hard transitioning out of that role (which no one has done in 600 years). There are many cardinals in the running, and one slogan Leno liked was “Yes, we Vatican.”

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A puff of smoke will signify when a new pope is chosen. “It’s kind of like in America, when another state legalizes marijuana” he said.

Jay Leno: Sweet Sistine Pope Betting

The Tonight Show: Sweet Sistine Pope Betting, Guest Popes & Sequester

The Tonight Show joked about pope betting in the Sweet Sistine pool, the prospect of substitute guest popes during the interim, and the impending sequester.

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Would you bet on who the new pope will be? The Religion News Service is taking bets on the “Sweet Sistine,” a short list of favorite papal candidates. Can you actually bet on this in Vegas?

The pope also had to turn in his red shoes, which Leno thought was ridiculous. “Shouldn’t the Vatican have a different policy than your local bowling alley?” he wondered.

The Tonight Show: Guest Popes

At least now he can eat a Cadbury egg without being harassed about it. The Tonight Show said that guest popes will fill in during the interim period, including Neil Patrick Harris, Howie Mandel, Tom Bergeron, Arsenio Hall, and Jimmie Johnson.

Lent is underway, and Jay said that people are giving up “watching NBC” for the religious period of deprivation. He said the pope should come to Burbank and perform last rites for the network.

“We don’t have reruns anymore, because nobody saw the shows the first time,” Leno said of his fifth-place network.

Tonight Show: Congress Sequester

It sounds like we have not yet averted another national crisis, since the Senate failed to pass any measure to prevent sequestration and spending cuts. “Congress was dangerously close to actually getting something done,” he said.

Is the White House using scare tactics to get public support? An ad on The Tonight Show suggested that grifters would replace school teachers and Girl Scouts would have to sell meth.

Jay Leno: Dog Shoots Man

The Un-Postman is a service that picks up your mail from your house and sends you digital pictures of what you received. Jay said it would be easier just to walk to your own mailbox.

A man was shot by his dog while riding in a pickup truck, which is pretty impressive. “You never hear about a dog shooting a guy in a Volvo,” he observed.

An Ohio landlord spanked his tenant for late rent, for his “payments being in arrears.”

The Tonight Show: Seniors Dating Our Time

Seniors are flocking to dating websites targeted at their demographic, such as Our Time. A competing service, Do Not Resuscitate, is not seeing much traffic.

A man is suing his hospital for removing the wrong testicle during surgery. “This has not been a good year for Lance Armstrong,” Jay joked.

Surgeons at a famous hospital removed the wrong testicle during a procedure. How does that compare to having the wrong limb removed?

Tonight Show: Jack Nicholson & Jennifer Lawrence

Jack Nicholson hit on Jennifer Lawrence after the Oscars, but in his defense, he was auditioning her for a role in his new movie, Centrum Silver Playbook.

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