The Tonight Show: Taylor Swift & The Bible
Jay Leno’s monologue included the Lindsay Lohan sentencing, The Bible miniseries, and what Taylor Swift has in common with the pope.
Tonight Show: Carnival Cruises & St. Patrick’s Day
St. Patrick’s Day is now behind us, but to celebrate, Jay Leno said that Carnival Cruises let their toilets overflow with green water.
After the snakes were driven out of Ireland, they moved to America and became NBC executives, according to the late night host.
Jay Leno: Lindsay Lohan Sentencing
Lindsay Lohan was late for her court appearance, despite flying in on a private jet. Leno blamed the judge for scheduling the court date after a big drinking holiday.
Now Lohan is sentenced to 90 days in a rehab facility, and she is supposed to avoid bad influences…like her parents, presumably.
The Tonight Show: President Obama & The Bible Miniseries
First Lady Michelle Obama will be on the April 2013 cover of Vogue. Jay joked that President Obama will be on the cover of The Economist’s April Fools issue.
The actor playing Satan in The Bible miniseries looks somewhat like President Obama, according to viewers. Leno wondered why Satan tried to tempt Adam and Eve with affordable health care.
Leno also thought that The Bible’s King Herod looked like New Jersey governor Chris Christie.
Tonight Show: Morgan Freeman Olympus Has Fallen
Morgan Freeman stars in the new movie Olympus Has Fallen, and when the president is kidnapped by North Korean terrorists, Leno joked that only Dennis Rodman could save the day.
Thousands of dead pigs were discovered in a Chinese river, and were thought to have been dumped in the river, in what may be a live-action version of Angry Birds.
Jay Leno: How Long Will It Take?
How long would it take a street performer to break character when being heckled by a pedestrian? The answer is about 24 seconds, which is when the performer statue punched the man in the face after being given a Wet Willie, in addition to other poking and prodding.
The Tonight Show: Megachurch Pastor Scandal
A megachurch pastor admitted to a relationship with a teenage parishioner, adding that he told the girl Jesus wanted them to be together. Leno said he hopes the pastor’s prison cellmate tells him the same thing.
A 106-year-old woman just got her high school diploma. Better late than never, in this case.
Tonight Show: Taylor Swift Vs Pope
Pope Francis supposedly pursued his calling to God after being dumped by a childhood sweetheart, which means Taylor Swift might one day be a shoo-in.
The Doritos Locos Taco at Taco Bell reportedly created thousands of new jobs, which is depressing unless you are a plumber or fast food worker.