Jimmy Kimmel: Steven Tyler Act
Jimmy Kimmel had a remedy to beat Winter Storm Saturn, an update on TSA pocket knives, and analysis of the Steven Tyler Act. Later in the show, Kimmel had comedian Jim Jeffries as a guest.
Jimmy Kimmel Live: Winter Storm Saturn
Winter Storm Saturn is hitting the Midwest and East Coast hard, and Jimmy offered himself up as a human Snuggie, on account of his abnormally high body temperature.
Some areas of Minnesota have seen a foot of snow, and this has riled up news channels, who always sent correspondents out into the severe weather. This was demonstrated by a clip from CNN, in which a reporter talked about inches of snow while gesturing to his privates.
Jimmy Kimmel: Pennsylvania Gay Joke
Washington, Pennsylvania, councilman Matt Staniszewski tested his city’s transit alert system with an email message that read:
Alert: This is a test. Bryan is gay.
“The city gaydar system is functioning,” Jimmy said. The man tried to say that he meant his friend was “happy,” even issuing a statement to that effect. But people aren’t buying it.
Jimmy Kimmel Live: Canadian Football Drill
Canada has its own college football teams, and a student named Taylor Renoe, a former wide receiver, has taken to YouTube to promote his athletic ability and get recruited by a pro team. During one of them, he was hit in the face with a football while running a drill.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick was recently spotted at a New Jersey Petsmart location, taking a dog training class. What would be going through your mind? Do you think Vick should be allowed to own a dog after his past bad behavior?
Jimmy Kimmel: TSA Pocket Knives
As of late April 2013, the TSA will allow passengers on planes to travel with pocket knives, golf clubs, and other sports equipment onboard. However, the ban on liquids over three ounces apparently will remain in effect.
I’ll take it; it’s about time we started revisiting some of our restrictions. As a remedy, Kimmel suggested that airlines considering hiring ninja flight attendants.
Meanwhile, the White House has announced that it is cancelling tours indefinitely due to sequester budget cuts. “This is really going to cut into Joe Biden’s balloon animal business,” Jimmy joked.
Jimmy Kimmel Live: Steven Tyler Act Paparazzi Law
In Hawaii, a new law called the Steven Tyler Act is supposed to protect celebrities from unwanted intrusion by paparazzi. It is named after the singer, who was secretly photographed on vacation with his girlfriend.
“Doesn’t the Steven Tyler Act sound like something we’d create to protect ourselves FROM Steven Tyler?” Kimmel wondered.
Jimmy Kimmel: Catholic Papal Conclave
Catholic cardinals from around the world are convening at the Vatican to prepare for a conclave in which they vote on a new pope. Maybe they are waiting on the results of a drug test? Cardinal Peter Turkson from Ghana is leading the betting on pope results, with 11:4 odds.
Jimmy said that being pope sounds like a cool job with a lot of amenities, very similar to being Batman. To get the pulse of the people, Jimmy sent someone out to Hollywood Boulevard to get people’s reactions on the new pope, even though no one has been chosen yet. What did they have to say?
Jimmy Kimmel Live: Lie Witness News Papal Edition
It was time for another edition of Lie Witness News. According to one man, the new pope is “doing an awesome job.” Another woman said that he was awkward, and another woman called him “amazing.”
Another man called the pope’s ex-wife hilarious, while another did not have a problem with the new pope being Jewish. “I don’t think a pope should stay one religion,” he said.
Then a younger girl said that she liked the idea of a teenage pope to attract the interest of younger generations. Does a video camera really make people just spew lies like that?