Tonight Show: Kris Humphries Lawyer Quits & Carnival Triumph Returns

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Jay Leno: Valentines Day

Did you ever notice that when you walk past the cards in a store there are no belated Valentines. That’s because if you miss Valentines there is no happy anything ever again.

Jay Leno and his wife had a happy Valentines. They sat in a port-a-potty and pretended to be on a Carnival cruise.

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Tonight Show: Carnival Triumph

Thankfully the Carnival cruise ship Triumph has docked and the passengers are back in the states. There was a scary moment there when the ship almost capsized coming into port. But it was just from all of the lawyers trying to get on board.

By the time it docked, they had renamed it the S.S. Febreeze. The passengers hadn’t showered in days and Leno joked they were power washed clean before loading onto busses. Yes, Carnival made them got on buses to go home.

That’s when the unthinkable happened. The buses broke down. The only thing that could have made this weekend worse was if the meteor had struck the bus. Actually, the people probably would have been thankful for the meteor at that point.

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Tonight Show: President Obama Education Bill

President Obama visited a preschool class of four year olds this week, to which they all responded “why aren’t you at work!”

He was there to rally for an education bill that the four year olds will be paying for. Also in Obama news, there was a $3 billion surplus in the economy last month, to which Obama’s camp replied “we don’t know what went wrong, but we’ll make sure that never happens again. Ever.”

Tonight Show: Washington, D.C. Top City For Cheaters

For the second year in a row, Washington, D.C. was named the top city for cheaters. Leno had exclusive footage of congress chanting “we’re number one!”

Tonight Show: Pope Retires

With news of the Pope’s retirement this week, everyone wondered what he’s going to do now. To which he responded, “well, I’m definitely not going on one of those Carnival Cruises!”

While Leno said they are keeping the nominations for his replacement safe under the Pope’s hat, NBC had an excellent and modern way to pick the new pope. In the past, the pope is chosen and a smoke signal is raised. NBC’s The Choice would put a reality show spin on things. Candidates sit in The Voice chairs and spin around to accept nominations.

Tonight Show: Warren Buffet Heinz

Warren Buffet bought Heinz this week for $23 billion. While the media was clamoring to find the motivation behind his decision, Buffet said “I have no condiment.”

Tonight Show: Drinking Shrinks Your Brain

A new government study shows that excessive drinking over time will shrink your brain. These findings were based on a study of Lindsay Lohan.

Tonight Show: Kris Humphries Lawyer Quits & Carnival Triumph Returns

Kris Humphries’ lawyer said they just don’t see eye to eye anymore. Luckily, this relationship lasted longer than Humphries’ marriage. (admedia / Shutterstock.com)

Tonight Show: Drake Vs Chris Brown

Drake and Chris Brown are reportedly suing each other over their bar brawl.

“Nothing is more gangster than saying, I’ll see you in court with my attorney!”

Tonight Show: Oldest Woman On Facebook

The oldest woman on Facebook is 105 years old. The only perk about being the oldest woman on Facebook is that you don’t have to deal with all of those annoying people from high school.

Tonight Show: Keebler Elves Meth Lab

A couple in southern Illinois got a rude awakening when the police tried to investigate their maple syrup business for a meth lab. The couple said it had been their hobby for years, but when they looked in the trees they found hundred of Keebler elves cooking meth.

Tonight Show: Kate Gosselin Wife Swap

Kate Gosselin will be on the next season of Wife Swap. This will make you appreciate your wife more.

Tonight Show: Kris Humphries Lawyer

Kris Humphries’ lawyer is no longer his lawyer anymore because they just don’t see eye to eye. On the bright side, they were together longer than Humphries was with Kim Kardashian.

Tonight Show: Jennifer Lopez Adoption

Jennifer Lopez’s boyfriend Casper Smart wants her to adopt, according to the National Enquirer. 

“Adopt? How young is this guy?”

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