Tonight Show: Mountain Dew Kickstart
The Tonight Show featured monologue jokes about the State of the Union, Valentine’s Day events at the zoo, and a Mountain Dew Kickstart review.
The Tonight Show: State of the Union
Jay Leno kicked off his monologue by mentioning the State of the Union address. In terms of reducing big government, Leno suggested letting go of the man whose job is to announce the president’s arrival each year to the Speaker of the House. As a replacement, he suggested Joe Biden.
The State of the Union was scheduled on Lincoln’s birthday instead of Washington’s birthday, Leno said, because Washington could not tell a lie. Jay Leno said that they played “Hey Big Spender” as Obama walked into the chamber.
Jay Leno: Nancy Pelosi & Chris Brown
Nancy Pelosi spoke to Fox News Sunday, calling concerns about America’s spending problem a “false argument.” Leno said the problem is Congress does not have a clue.
In a clip from the State of the Union, The Tonight Show added a defiant Chris Brown to the audience, using a clip from the Grammy Awards, where he refused to applaud Frank Ocean.
Tonight Show: Valentine’s Day Zoo
Apparently animal breeding tours are popular at zoos for Valentine’s Day. One lesson you can learn is that bears prefer self-pleasure, which Jay presumed is why the bears get so angry when they are surprised by humans.
For Valentine’s Day, Jay said that Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his special someone the week off from cleaning the house.
The Tonight Show: Pope Resignation
The Pope has announced his resignation, and Jay Leno said that it is the first time in 600 years a pope has stepped down from office. He suspected the decline in the Pope’s physical health was due to throwing too many hail Marys, and showed a clip of a sign dancer outside the Vatican with a board that read: “Now hiring.”
Conditions aboard a stranded Carnival Cruise ship continue to deteriorate as passengers wait to be tugged back to shore. The conditions, including vomiting, raw sewage, and urine-soaked carpets, reminded Leno of “Mardi Gras without the topless women.”
Tonight Show: Apple iWatch
Electronics giant Apple is reported to be developing a wristwatch computer, which Jay said would make emailing and driving easier.
Meanwhile, Samsung is said to be developing its own wristwatch, but for the other hand, so it won’t be anything like Apple’s product.
Jay Leno: Grammys Crasher
One man crashed the Grammys during Adele’s acceptance speech at this year’s Grammy Awards. Jennifer Lopez motioned the man off the stage, and in Leno’s doctored footage, Lopez gave the crasher a roundhouse kick on his fictional second attempt.
Oscar the Cat makes the rounds each day at a Rhode Island hospice, and has a good sense of when patients are about to expire. On more than 50 occasions, he has planted himself next to patients with fewer than four hours to live.
The Tonight Show: Mountain Dew Kickstart Review
One new study reveals that 1/3 of American kids are obese by just nine months old. That means strollers are going to have to start beeping when they back up.
Mountain Dew Kickstart is a new morning beverage for soda fans, made with 5% fruit juice. “It’s just like real orange juice, except for 95% of it,” Leno said.
Tonight Show: Maker’s Mark Alcohol Content
Maker’s Mark said it is reducing the alcohol content of its whiskey by 3%, in an effort to make it “go further.” Jay Leno said it’s convenient that you no longer have to go to a bar to get a drink that has been watered down.
A Tennessee man recently quit his maintenance job after being assigned the ID number 666 for internal tracking, out of fear of being associated with the devil and the “mark of the beast.” What would make you quit your job?