The Tonight Show: Michael Jordan Paternity & Lindsay Lohan Attorney

ADVERTISEMENT

Tonight Show: Pope Popularity & Harlem Shake

The Tonight Show featured young actress Abigail Breslin. But first, Jay’s monologue featured the Harlem Shake, how to choose a new pope, and a Michael Jordan paternity suit.

The Tonight Show: Sequester Budget Cuts

If you are watching The Tonight Show, you have survived the beginning of the government’s sequester budget cuts. Jay Leno said that since Congress can’t do basic math, it is clear we have a lot of problems.

ADVERTISEMENT

The Tonight Show: Michael Jordan Paternity & Lindsay Lohan Attorney

The Tonight Show monologue shared the latest statements from Lindsay Lohan’s attorney and a new Michael Jordan paternity suit that is making headlines. (s_bukley / Shutterstock.com)

Layoffs and furloughs are already underway. Just look at the pope. As a replacement pope, Jay suggested Mitt Romney. Supposedly you can get eliminated from the running through a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

ADVERTISEMENT

Tonight Show: Pope Popularity Contest

Jay said he hopes that the race for pope does not become a popularity contest. The pope can keep his white cassock, but had to give up his ring and shoes. Leno noted that was just like actresses attending the Academy Awards.

He added that you can tune in for continuing coverage of the Cardinal Combine agility tests in the search for a pope on ESPOPE2.

Jay Leno: Dennis Rodman North Korea

Dennis Rodman is currently on a visit to North Korea with Kim Jong-Un. “They think he’s President Obama,” Jay said, referring to their isolation and government propaganda.

Gas prices are steadily on the rise, and Jay said they asked him for a co-signer at the pump. “Today, I saw Bill O’Reilly carpooling with Bill Maher,” he joked.

Tonight Show: Fifty Shades of Eviction

Brian Williams had to issue a retraction of a fake story from the NBC Nightly News. It was a story from September about a goat that rescued a pig from a pond, but the whole thing was a hoax by Comedy Central.

Then there is the story of the tenant whose landlord beat his bare butt with a belt for paying the rent late. Jay said that his story will be told in the book Fifty Shades of Eviction. Leno said they should send the landlord to Washington to solve the budget crisis.

The Tonight Show: Frontier Airlines Harlem Shake

A 106-year-old Ohio woman is finally earning her high school diploma. “On the advice of her guidance counselor, she’s going to attend a two-year college,” Leno said.

The Harlem Shake recently took place on a Frontier Airlines flight, but the video has led to a federal investigation about whether seatbelt laws were properly enforced on the plane. What do you think about this? It’s one way to spice up an otherwise boring flight.

Jay Leno: Lindsay Lohan Attorney

According to Jay, a new study found that women who drink alcohol are less likely to be obese than their sober counterparts. “All this time you’ve been on Jenny Craig, you should’ve been on Johnnie Walker,” he said.

Lindsay Lohan’s new attorney told the court that she is ready to turn her life around. “It’s not hard to turn your life around when you spend it living on a bar stool,” Leno said.

Tonight Show: Michael Jordan Paternity

Michael Jordan is being sued by a woman who claims that he is the father of her teenage son.

Leno also said that there is a growing trend of men being forced to pay child support, even if they have been proven by a DNA test not to be the child’s father. The man looked remarkably like Mr. T.

ADVERTISEMENT

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.