The Tonight Show: Dionne Warwick Bankruptcy & Defense Of Marriage Act

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Tonight Show: DOMA & Dionne Warwick

NBC’s woes, the Defense Of Marriage Act, and the Dionne Warwick bankruptcy were hot topics in Jay Leno’s monologue.

The Tonight Show: The Voice Ratings

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The return of The Voice and Revolution to NBC’s Monday night lineup put the network back in second place. Jay Leno gave his network a backhanded compliment for digging its way out of fifth place.

Per a doctored video on The Tonight Show, the judges now have a new option. They can press a blue button if they do not like a contestant, and a piano will drop on him or her. That would be a fun twist, but I wonder how it would affect their insurance waivers.

Jay Leno: Defense Of Marriage Act

The Tonight Show: Dionne Warwick Bankruptcy & Defense Of Marriage Act

On The Tonight Show, Jay Leno discussed the Dionne Warwick bankruptcy filing, the Defense Of Marriage Act, and a Catholic priest caught selling meth. (Jaguar PS / Shutterstock.com)

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The Supreme Court is hearing arguments this week about gay marriage, and will be deciding on the fate of the Defense of Marriage Act. As expert witnesses on marriage, Leno suggested “Kelsey Grammer, Larry King, and Jennifer Lopez.”

Texas governor Rick Perry has come out against gay marriage, and he does not want to debate the issue. Leno suspected that is because he is not the best in a debate situation.

Tonight Show: Dionne Warwick Bankruptcy

Singer Dionne Warwick filed for bankruptcy, because she claims to have just $25,000 worth of assets, but owes over $10 million in back taxes. That could land her a spot as White House budget director, according to the Tonight Show.

Michele Bachmann is under investigation for misuse of campaign funds. Per Leno, “she is blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis, the facts.”

The Tonight Show: David Petraeus USC

Former CIA director David Petraeus made his first public appearance in a speech at USC this week. I know Jay was joking, but wouldn’t it have been a spectacle if Petraeus’s infidelity had been the subject of the hidden camera show Cheaters?

In New Mexico, a representative wants to change the rules to allow legislators to telecommute to their jobs. That sounds even lazier than lawmakers are already perceived to be. “This would allow congressmen to vote on laws while actually being in bed with lobbyists at the same time,” Jay said.

Jay Leno: Chris Christie & Prince Harry

Governor Chris Christie said he plans to keep a close watch on Prince Harry, who is planning to visit New Jersey, in the hopes of preventing any scandals like Harry’s infamous Las Vegas party pictures.

A town in Ireland has made drinking and driving legal. Doctored news reports explained that residents can drive behind the wheel. A purported clip of the mayor showed a young man stumbling down a sidewalk.

Tonight Show: T-Mobile iPhone

A man was arrested at a California prison for trying to smuggle a cell phone to prisoner Charles Manson. “Those T-Mobile representatives are relentless,” Jay said. “They announced yesterday they’re doing away with contracts. Apparently they got the idea from NBC.”

Leno has been ribbing the network quite a bit lately, amid reports that he is being asked to give up The Tonight Show again in 2014.

The Tonight Show: Cedars Sinai Breath & Obesity

New research at Cedars Sinai has concluded doctors can tell whether patients have obesity problems based on breath alone.

Then there is a British woman who claimed she has an allergic reaction to exercise. Jay said that donuts help him calm down after the excitement of a workout.

Jay Leno: Catholic Priest Selling Meth

Marijuana vending machines could soon be a reality in California. Jay suspected that the candy machines nearby would also become big winners if this were to come to fruition.

A Roman Catholic priest in Connecticut will plead guilty to making and selling meth. Leno said a tip that something was wrong was that the priest was speeding through mass.

Supermodel Kate Upton flaked on going to the prom with a teenager who asked her out online. Her schedule is too busy for her to make it, apparently.

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