Late Show: 2013 Taxes & Coney Island
The Late Show monologue celebrated a milestone for Coney Island, the impending tax deadline for 2013, and Dick Cheney on an anniversary of the Iraq War.
David Letterman: March Madness Upset
To kick off his monologue, Dave recalled getting a phone call from CBS executives, who wanted to know “if I would mind changing my name to Jimmy.” This is in reference to his ABC competitor Jimmy Kimmel, and the rumors that Jimmy Fallon is set to succeed Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show in 2014.
March Madness is currently airing on CBS, and the tournament is always on the lookout for a Cinderella story. They may have found just that in Florida Gulf Coast University, which is providing upsets in this tournament.
Late Show: Hurricane Sandy Coney Island
For Passover, Dave said that all his jokes were unleavened. How thoughtful. Letterman said that his mom had a variety of traditional Jewish accompaniments for the holiday, even though their family is not Jewish.
Many are still recovering from Hurricane Sandy, which struck the East Coast in fall 2012. But Coney Island’s amusement park, which was totally destroyed, has reopened its doors. That is a great sign of progress for the city!
Letterman said the only things not knocked down in the storm were the milk bottles that you try to knock over with a softball.
David Letterman: Tax Deadline 2013
Tax time is here, and returns are due on April 15. Letterman said that his accountant has informed him that he needs to move his money to the Caymans. But it turned out he was talking about people, not the islands.
Dave said that “the average American works six months a year for the government.” That doesn’t sound fun, and I thought I had heard lower estimates in the past. He said he doesn’t think even government employees work that much for the government.
Late Show: Heart Alert Heart Attack App
Letterman said that he thinks life is better now than it was decades ago. He said that a new iPhone app can help you predict whether you are about to have a heart attack. A Late Show commercial for the Heart Alert app, which included a convenient snooze button.
David Letterman: President Bush Hacked
If you have ever had your email or social networking hacked, Dave suggested blaming China. It has even happened to former president George W. Bush. Letterman said that there is no way to prevent online intruders. You can’t hang up on them or close the door in their face.
Former president Bush is proof that anyone can be a hacking victim. But Bush has a hobby of painting dogs in his spare time. Some of those paintings have surfaced online in the aftermath.
Late Show: Dick Cheney Iraq War
As the 10th anniversary of the Iraq war looms, Dick Cheney was on Dave’s mind. The idea of weapons of mass destruction was the original impetus for war, which Letterman thought was ridiculous, since they would’ve had to launch them from a donkey.
Cheney supposedly said that he would not have the war on his conscience, even if he had one.
John Kerry has taken over the role of Secretary of State from Hillary Clinton, but Dave said he misses seeing the pantsuits.
David Letterman: Pope Lunch
Two popes spent the weekend together, which has got to be some historic milestone. The old pope and the new pope had lunch together. What do you think two popes talk about? Dave suggested they should have seen the new Tina Fey movie together.
Letterman said his favorite pope of all time was Sean Connery. The new pope is from Argentina, and Dave is obsessed with the fact that the man has one lung and worked as a bouncer.
The Late Show featured a video of the pope, a reported basketball fan, leading the assembled faithful in a chant of “Gonzaga.”