Ellen: My Fair And Square Lady
Ellen aired the fourth installment in her melodrama mini-series My Fair and Square Lady.
“I know you’ve been on the edge of your seat since yesterday’s episode,” she said.
The scene opened with Ellen‘s character, Tatiana, standing alone in her living room. She was wearing a very hammed up variation of a French maid’s outfit.
“My sister’s late as usual,” Tatiana said. “But I’m sure she’ll be here at any minute.”
Then Tatianna‘s sister came running in through the door, looking greatly disheveled. It seemed heavily implied that she had just had sex.
“You’re late!” Tatianna said.
My Fair & Square Lady: Ellen Soap Opera
“Well pardon me, but I have another real ‘soap’ to do, The Young and The Restless, don’t I?” Tatianna‘s sister said. It was never said explicitly who the actress was, but apparently she was from The Young and The Restless.
“Well I think you know why I invited you here,” Tatianna said. “I wanted to give you this!”
Then Ellen, as Tatianna, feigned a hilariously hammed up slap.
“That’s the same thing I wanted to give you,” Tatianna‘s sister said and delivered an equally cheesy fake slap.
Then a strange man walked onto the set. He was wearing a cheap maroon robe and not much of anything else.
“Tatianna…my wife,” he said very awkwardly as though he were helplessly caught off guard. “And your sister…my mistress.”
What an absurd plot.
Ellen Soap Opera Parody
Being a respectable woman who’ll continue to sleep with her sister’s husband only if he leaves her, Tatianna‘s sister insists that he choose between the two of them.
“I’m a passionate lover,” Tatianna‘s sister says in a petty attempt to woo him.
“…And I can dance,” Tatianna says. Who knows why she’d want to stick with that scumbag anyway?
Then there was a forgivably cheesy and forward corporate plug for JC Penney. Ellen said that shopping there will give you, “more time to do the things that you love.”
“Like make love,” Tatianna‘s sister said.
“I pick…I pick,” he said as he backed up hesitantly. Then, out of nowhere, a chandelier fell on his head.
Tatianna and her sister rushed to his aid and started awkwardly trying to revive him.
“I saved him!” Tatianna said. “He’s still alive!”