Ellen: Going Rate For A Tooth + Matthew McConaughey On St. Patrick’s Day


Ellen TV: What’s The Going Rate For A Tooth?

Ellen introduced her guest DJ for the day, Twitch. He shared that his five-year-old daughter just lost her first tooth. He was wondering what the going rate was for a tooth these days. He wasn’t sure how much the tooth fairy should give her.

He said when he was a kid, he got $.50. He said he’s even heard some kids getting $20 for a tooth. Ellen thought $5 was good. I got one dollar when I lost a tooth. If I have to give my son $20 when he loses a tooth, I might need to start saving now!


Ellen: What Dancing Audience Members Are Thinking

Ellen: Going Rate For A Tooth + Matthew McConaughey On St. Patrick's Day

Ellen wanted to call up Matthew McConaughey and see how he was celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. (JStone / Shutterstock.com)

Ellen shared that she had some cutting-edge technology that allowed her to hear what audience members were thinking while they were dancing.

She shared what a few of her dancing audience members were thinking as they boogied down.


One guy was thinking about how great his suspenders were, while another girl was repeating “dump truck” while she twerked. An older woman was thinking, “I hope they don’t hear what I’m thinking, because I don’t even know what I’m thinking.”

She showed one man with a very curly mustache in the audience who wasn’t dancing, but was thinking, “Dang-nabbit, I forgot to turn off my curling iron.”

One guy was thinking about his “business casual robot” dance move while another woman was singing “the rhythm is going to get you.”

Ellen TV: Matthew McConaughey Phone Call

Ellen explained that with it being St. Patrick’s Day, people were probably wondering what Matthew McConaughey was doing, since he has such an Irish name. She thought she would give him a call and see what he was up to and wish him a happy St. Patrick’s Day.

He said he was celebrating St. Patrick’s Day with a big pot of gumbo, lemon meringue pie, a cold can of Miller Lite and Absolut martinis every five minutes. He also told Ellen he was going to put her in a spaceship and take her to Neptune.

In case you didn’t catch on, the phone call was clearly made up of recorded quotes from Matthew, but it was hilarious nonetheless.

Ellen: Clumsy Thumbsy

Ellen warned everyone that if they were going to go out drinking for St. Patrick’s Day, to be safe, and to be careful when you’re texting people so you don’t make some of the mistakes Ellen wanted to share in her segment Clumsy Thumbsy.

The first text Ellen shared was from a young woman who sent, “I know it’s last minute but bring your p— ticket money today.” She meant prom!

The next text message conversation started out normal. The first text read “Check in the cupboard if we have black beans and sweet corn.” The text back read “We have black beans and steam crisp nipples.” They meant nibblets not nipples!

Ellen TV: Funny Autocorrect Texts

Ellen then shared a hilarious autocorrected text that someone sent back when asked how they’re date was. “He was nude,” they accidentally said. They meant nice not nude!

The next conversation Ellen shared was my favorite. The first text read: “My mom is definitely broken. The steam is coming from the wrong place and it is leaking water. Sad.” Then the other person texted back “Exactly what part of your mom is the right part for steam to come out?” They then cracked up laughing and said they meant mop not mom.

In the next text, the person was sharing that they were sick and asked if the other person saw a threesome at their house. They definitely meant thermometer, not threesome. Oops!


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