Ellen: World Population 7 Billion
“I read that they say the seven billionth person is going to be born this month,” Ellen said. “It could happen any minute–even here in this audience.”
Ellen said she was curious to know who actually counts how many people there are in the world.
“I have two questions,” she said. “How do they know there are 7 billion people and who are they?”
Ellen questioned the legitimacy of any count of the world’s population, given the presence of TV shows like TLC‘s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.
“Scientists don’t know when it will be born but they say statistically it will probably be a Kardashian,” she said.
Ellen: History Of World Population
The funniest part of this segment of jokes was when Ellen said she did “some research” to show the audience “how the world has changed.”
A stagehand rolled a TV screen out on stage and gave Ellen a lab coat and pointer so that she could look more official.
Ellen walked over to the screen and started to explain how the world’s population has changed. The screen had a line graph on it superimposed over a dichromatic picture of the world.
“In the year 1800, there were only 1 billion people,” Ellen said. “But back then there were girdles and vests so by the time they got everything off, they were too tired to do anything.”
“In 1950, we reached 3 billion people,” she said. “That was the invention of the hula-hoop, so a lot of hip action>.”
Ellen said that right after that, Barry White‘s career took off, the mini-skirt was invented, and the first Abercrombie and Fitch was opened. Then the line graph spiked upward dramatically to nearly 7 billion people.
Ellen pointed to a slight dip in the graph just before the spike to 7 billion and said, “This was right around the time the perm was popular.”
Then Ellen used the gag to try to inspire her audience.
“Imagine what could happen with 7 billion people working together to end world hunger,” she said. “Or if we could at least agree that we don’t need anymore Viagra commercials.”
Ellen: Amber Miller Marathon Birth
After Ellen finished her daily dance through the crowd, she started asking her DJ, Tony, about a woman who apparently gave birth seven hours after running a marathon. The woman they were referring to was Amber Miller and you can read her story here: Woman runs marathon, has baby a few hours later
“That’s why I don’t run marathons,” Tony said.
“What does that mean?” Ellen asked.
“Anything can happen,” Tony said.
After they joked about it a little more, Ellen asked, “If a woman can have a baby after running a marathon, why are we giving them all the good parking spaces?”
Ellen: Cat Week Funny Video
As part of the first day of her second annual “Cat Week,” Ellen showed a hilarious video from youtube.
“Everyone knows that cats have nine lives and this is a little kitten who’s not afraid to risk one of them,” Ellen said to introduce the video.
The video showed a cat standing in front of a dog. The dog was lying down and minding its own business. The cat then pounced on the dog’s face and ran away.